BIRTHING THE NEW BEAUTIFUL ME
Volume 26

The Ugly Duckling

“When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, ‘What will I be? Will I be pretty, will I be rich?’” ~ Lyrics from the song “Que Sera Sera”

The lyrics reflect how I have always felt about my looks ever since I was young. The words “Will I be pretty?” touched my heart the most. I  remember growing up loving the story “The Ugly Duckling”. I especially loved how the unique and “ugly” duckling, turned into a beautiful swan when she grew older. It nurtured the hope that such a change would also happen for me.

I was labelled a fat girl and all the nasty names related to size that you can think of, since primary school until high school. I was bullied mercilessly by a group of seniors because of my looks. I remember my bosom being ridiculed by my female classmates when I was 12, simply because I was more shapely than the rest of the girls. I started to hunch my shoulders to minimize my “assets” and avoid attention but was sternly reprimanded by my uncle for my bad posture later in high school.

I had never felt comfortable with my body. As an adult, I might seem confident, presenting a positive outlook as much as possible, but deep within me, I nurtured a “low self-esteem seed”, that could not be uprooted so easily.

I’m fat.
I’m ugly.
I’m not pretty enough.
I’m not lady-like enough.
I’m not good enough.
I’m not smart enough.

These were my constant thoughts, statements that played like a broken record at different times on a daily basis. I was never good academically compared with my younger siblings and even with my cousins. I was always the odd one out. This fueled my desire to make extra effort to shine in other areas of my life. I was very active in co-curriculum activities, active in areas where quantitative scores or results could not be used to determine my worth.

All these experiences slowly built a strong protective wall around my heart as I was too afraid to get hurt over again. After graduating from college, I sought success and material wealth to feed the emptiness within me. With event management as my chosen career, I worked day and night without break, chasing after money, reputation, praises and recognition. I wanted to prove the fact I didn’t need to be beautiful to be successful. What I didn’t realize was there was nothing to prove.

One day, I worked with a client who was voluptuous by most accounts. Her beauty radiated brightly and powerfully from within. She smiled with confidence, walking down the aisle with her life partner. That event made me wonder why I couldn’t feel contented and cared so much of how others felt about me. She inspired me to start seeking the true meaning of “beauty”.

A Wake-Up Call
I worked so hard until my body finally collapsed. I was emotionally-drained and I had lost my drive and passion for my work. I felt a serious imbalance in my life from the countless sleepless nights and gastritis that I consistently had.

It was then that I decided to drop everything and start my healing journey. I started by visiting the gym frequently, setting a target to lose those extra pounds. Thinking that once I achieved an ideal weight and ideal outlook, everything would be great again. Little did I know, it wasn’t losing physical weight that I needed. I needed desperately to release the emotional weight from my heart. A journey that started with shaping my outer beauty eventually turned into one to master myself.

Along the way, I  …. Purchase volume 26, here to discover the turning point in Christina’s life that allowed her to heal and honor every part of her.